maybe being in a relationship for long time has made you less passionate. 

the calls are less

the emails are less

maybe im being sensitive about certain things

i really try not to make a big fuss about things 

i dont want to become one of those needy girlfriends 

nor do i want to be those jealousy type

but im starting to feel like one 

maybe its because i dont know your social network 

maybe its just me, im really not too sure. 

Peace

Honest to truth, Im not sure how I'm suppose to feel at the moment. 

I just got off the phone with my uncle a few hours ago, they had a meeting with the doctors today and grandpa has only a few more weeks to live. He has stop taking his medication and is not eating. His body is giving up.

I kinda expected this to happen, but at the same time, I had hope that he was going to get better after his treatment.... knowing that he was being treated in one of the best cancer care hosp, I really thought he'll have a extra few years, guess not. 

maybe my emotions hasn't exactly kicked in yet. I'm known to have delay of emotions, maybe I'll be waking up crying my eyes out tomorrow morning. 

dry feet + flip flops = Ped Egg!

I was bored at work, and started to look at my feet, and notice that they were disgustingly dry, especially the heel area (eww) so I google and found the Ped Egg. I was skeptical in buying it after hearing mix reviews, but I was desperate to get rid of these dry skin! so I went to BedBath & Beyond and got one of these bad boys! and IT WORKS! 

It does a good job at shaving off the dead/dry skin ( almost like grating cheese lol) 

At first I thought it might hurt and shave too much of my skin off, but if you do it slowly, it's not bad :) 

Lost

Gramp's has been in the hospital for quite some time now. I just spoke with one of the attending, and they're going to insert a feeding tube into his abdomen because he's not eating. Initially we thought it was because he didn't like the food at the hospital, so we took turns getting him Chinese food, but even with that, his appetite is still low, and he just doesn't feel like eating. So since he's not getting any nutrients, they will tube him.

I'm kind of scare, and I don't know what to do, and sometimes I just wish that the MDs would stop calling me about the progress because I don't think I can make the final decision on things. Ultimately, the MDs should contact my uncle, but then, I dont think he's medically challenge to know what's going on. But I dont want to have that whole decision making burden on my shoulder either. It's a selfish act, I know, and I hate myself for doing that but... I really dont want to deal with it.

I've been bad, I should really visit him more, but every time I go, I pause by the door and see's how skinny he has gotten, and I chicken out. I back away and I leave without saying hi. I know it's horrible, but I just cant......... deal with it. Half the time, I force myself to go visit because he is my gramps, but for the most part, being in the room scares me. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do if something bad was to happen, like I wouldn't react fast enough.

I thought I would be able to handle all this, being that I did a internship with the hospice programs for a semester in college, but when it's your own grandfather on that bed, it's a complete different story.

I wish this could all end, and he'll be well again like a year ago.......